Howl's Moving Stargate
by OMGDANNYHOWL4EVER
Summary: SG-1/Howl’s Moving Castle: A dramatic example of the horrible depths to which crossover fanfiction can sink.
1. Chapter 1

_Don't say we didn't warn you. _

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**Howl's Moving Stargate**

One dark and stormy night, Howl was brooding in his castle as it clanked noisily across the wastes. "Calcifer, where are you," he muttered, deep anguish in his soul. Calcifer had disappeared months before leaving the lonely wizard lonely and without a friend. How could his one and only friend abandon him like this? He'd shared everything with Calcifer, even his heart (Literally!). It just didn't make sense for him to leave without even saying goodbye. He was bummed out.

"Why..." he murmured, tears spilling from his azure eyes. "Were you tired of me, Calcifer? Tired of my wandering ways, tired of my demands and my tantrums? I don't blame you, my friend. I'm sorry." He shook his head. "I only wish you were here to hear that." Lightning flashed outside, illuminating the depths of his retched, lonely soul.

A thought suddenly struck him. What if Calcifer hadn't wanted to leave? What if he'd been kidnapped? What if he was injured somewhere, waiting for Howl to rescue him? Howl raged with anger at the thought. Who would dare to hurt Calcifer, knowing the power of the Wizard Howl? I will destroy them! At that moment, Howl made up his mind. He would find Calcifer, and destroy whoever had taken him.

He closed his eyes and thought of the most powerful spell he knew. It took him a long time, because he knew so many big and powerful ones. A dusty spellbook with arcane runes engraved into its red leather cover held the answer. The Ephemeral Rend. Ancient, dark magic, the kind of magic they warned you about in the Thirty Things You Should Probably Not Do If You Want To Live books. However, it was simple enough. Any magic was worth getting his best pal back. A touch of Pinx, a dash of pyrocrystalline salts, and of course, a bare bodkin. He raised his arms and began to chant. "Federate purgatory gelatinates, metallurgy unbeknownst clew!" Again and again he chanted it, growing louder and louder until big clouds of colored magic flowed across his skin and swirled around his flowing blonde hair. (OMG! I can't believe you seriosly like the black! Blonde 4EVER!! You have GOT to be kidding me. Black is SOOOO much better. Totally. Whatev! Blonde is the best color EVR!!) "Gaily candid amphitheater!" he shouted to the sky. The wind roared against the castle walls. Darkness, every color and in the same instant no color at all filled the air around him, and lightning cracked in the sky. Three bolts, one gold, one rainbow, and one black as the starry sky, struck his castle.

All was silent.

The castle was gone.

blonde!black!blonde!black!blonde!

"Lyke, Oh Em Gee, Krystale! Your mansion is lyke, so totally awesome!" squealed Fantasia as she bounced three stories on one of Kystale's fifteen trampolines.

" I know, right?" Krystal watched from her ultimate princess chair, which was covered in gold and diamonds and awesomeness.

"Yeah! You lyke, have a swimming pool in a swimming pool! How can you get cooler than that?"

"I know! It's a good thing we totally saved that world that one time but nobody 

knew but we got this totally awesome treasure in a badly misspelled five hundred page epic that will be crucial to understanding our personalities or anything that happens in this story past this point!"(REED OUR STORIE OK PLZ?)

Fantasia did a triple backflip off the trampoline and landed in a dramatic whoosh. "I'm sooo gonna miss Inuyasha."

"Yeah, me too."

KABOOOOOM!

Suddenly the wall exploded and Howl's castle was there! Krystale and Fantasia stared in amazement as the raven-haired wizard leapt from it's craggy heights. "Where's Calcifer, you villians?!" he demanded, brushing his hair from his face. Fantasia immediately sensed a deep bond of destiny that she shared with him.

"Who's Calcifer?" asked Krystale, who shared no such mysterious bond.

"You should know, kidnapper!"

It deeply pained Fantasia to see him so distressed.

"We didn't kidnap anybody!" said Krystale. "Who are you?"

"I am the great and tearable wizard Howl! Now return my fire demon!"

"Fire demon?"

"Yes, Calcifer! The fire demon that you totally kidnapped!" He shot at them with awesome lightning spells, so they turned into wolves and ran away. Fantasia was a purple wolf with one blue eye and one white and white flames on her paws and she could control fire and Krystale was a dark blue wolf with silver stars on her paws and a crescent moon on her head, and she had a diamond necklace that gave her super magic powers. (if u havnt red our storie, u prolly wont understand, K?)

"OMG you just turned into wolves!" shouted Howl.

"Yeah..." Krystale looked at him suspiciously. "So? Lots of people can do it."

"Of course, only people with super special awesome destinies. Which I'm totally sure is more than just us."

"I totally don't believe you." Howl glared suspiciously. Fantasia noticed that he had very pretty blue eyes. And the best blonde hair ever. "Now tell me where you've hidden Calcifer, or I'll cast a spell on you and turn you into a newt!"

"A newt?"

He shrugged. "You'll get better. But it will be very unpleasant for the time being, let me assure you!"

"But you can't do that!" Fantasia stared to cry, the tears welling up and trickling down her cheeks. "We're heroes like you!"

Howl started to feel bad, because making people cry was a bad thing to do, and Calcifer wouldn't have liked Howl to do it to these nice girls. "Do you want to help me find Calcifer? Because having two really cool girls who can turn into wolves would totally help."

"WE SO TOTALLY WILL!" They both shouted.

And then Howl started to tell Fantastia all about Calcifer and how Howl was so lonely without him. And then Krystale's Razor cellphone rang and she saw who was calling. "OMG! It's my Aunt Sam who works for that secret military thing in the big mountain!"

She picked it up. "Hi Aunt Sam!"

"Hi Krystale!" Sam said happily. "Hey, I just got this memo from General Ha—I mean, the guy I work for. And he says that because it's bring-your-relative to work day tomorrow, I can bring you. And because you and Fantasia already have the president's permisssion to know stuff because of that time you saved the world, I can bring both of you!"

"COOL!" Krystale shouted. "Can we bring our new friend Howl? He's really cool. He's seen our wolf forms and everything!"

"Well…" Sam said uncertainly. "I guess it's OK, as long as you two trust him! Just make him promise not to tell about anything he sees while he's here, OK? And you and Fantasia too! I know you'd never give away our secrets or anything, but the military makes you promise before they let you in."

Krytale nodded wisely. The President had told her and Fantasia that, one time. "Sure, Aunt Sam. Hey! How are we going to get there? You live across town and we can't drive!"

"That's alright," Sam said. "If it's ok with you, my friend Daniel is going to pick you guys up. He just lives a few blocks away."

"Daniel Jackson, the famous archaeologist?? AWESOME!" Krystale was really excited; archaeology was her favorite class in school.

blonde!black!blonde!black!blonde!

The door rang. Daniel was there! Krystale ran and opened the door, because Fantasia was still talking to Howl and Howl was crying because he really missed Calcifer.

Daniel was there and he was wearing jeans and a blue shirt that the sleeves were rolled up on, and he was smiling and his hair was perfect.

"Hi!" he said. "You must be Sam's neice Krystale! I read your archaeology paper from school. It was rilly good! Are you going to be an archaologist?" He came inside. "Wow, you guys have a great howse!"

"Thanks! Yeah, OMG I wanna be just LIKE YOU!"

And then the radio turned on and her favorite song was on and it Just Like U by (totally lissen to her! LOVE MILEY!) Miley. "OMG I love this song!"

So what you see  
Is only half the story  
There's another side of me  
I'm the girl you know  
But I'm someone else too  
If you only knew

It's a crazy life  
But I'm alright

I got everything I've always wanted  
Living the dream  
So yeah, everything I've always wanted  
isn't always what it seems  
I'm a lucky girl  
Whose dreams came true  


But underneath it all  
I'm just like you

Don't wanna be treated differently  
I wanna keep it all inside  
Half the time I've got my name in lights  
The other half I'm by your side

It's a crazy life  
But I'm just fine

I got everything I've always wanted  
Living the dream  
So yeah, everything I've always wanted  
isn't always what it seems  
I'm a lucky girl  
Whose dreams came true  
But underneath it all  
I'm just like you

I'm just an ordinary girl  
Living in an extra-ordinary world  
Trying to live  
Trying to learn  
Trying to just be who I am  
I got everything I've always wanted  
Living the dream (the dream)  
So yeah, everything I've always wanted (always wanted)  
isn't always what it seems  
I'm a lucky girl  
Whose dreams came true  
But underneath it all  
I'm just like you

"I love that song!" Daniel said, with tears in his eyes. "That's how I feel sumtimes."

"Me too!" Fantasia said.

"Hi Howl!" he said, seeing Fantasia and Howl on the couch. Howl's hair was black and shiny.

"Who are you?" asked Howl, ignoring the sudden and deep connnection. He sensed that he knew Daniel from somewhere and the pang of the empty place where his heart should be.

"Erm.. Nobudy. Just a frend of Sam's."

"How did you know his name?" wondered Fantasia.

"Sam told me."

"OK!" said Fantasia, blindly accepting this.

"Let's all get in my caar and not ask anymur qwestions, K?" said Daniel nervously.

"Whatever you say, Daniel," said Krystale, her eyes turning into gigantic stars like you always see on anime.

So they all piled in Daniel's ruggedly manly green jeep which was covered in mud because he'd just been offroading cause he totally does that. Howl noticed that there was a flame painted down the side and it reminded him of Calcifer so he almost started crying again, but he didn't because Fantasia held his hand. She was very excited about this.

They started off towards the mountain, and Howl saw a cowboy and Fantasia spent the rest of the trip explaining what a cowboy is.

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**Authors' Notes:**

Krystale: So that's part one! What do you think?

Howl: :glares: I think you're crazy.

Krystale: :hits him with a stick: Ignore him! We're awesome!

Daniel: OMG did you just give howl a concussion?

Krystale: I'll give you a cookie if you don't tell Fantasia...

Daniel: Ooh! Cookie!

Fantasia: OMG what happened to howl?!

Krystal: ; Renagade baseball bat?

Fantasia: NOOOO! I'll get you yet, renagade baseball bat! Just you wait!

Krystale: Part two coming soon, K?

READ AND REVIEW!!


	2. Chapter 2

_And you thought chapter one was hard to read..._

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**CHAPTER TWO**

Soon they drove up to Cheyene Mountain, and they stopped so that the guard at the front would let them in. He smiled when he saw Daniel. "Hi Mr. Jackson!" And then Fantasia and Krystale realized that it was their friend Brad.

"Hi Brad!" they said together.

"Hi Krystale! Hi Fantasia!" he said. "Come on in! I know you guys have permission, because of that one time you saved the world."

Daniel looked at Fantasia and smiled big. "Wow! Sam told me you too were cool, but I didn't know you saved the werld! I did that wunce!"

Daniel parked his ruggedly manly green jeep and they all got out. Only Howl tripped when he came out and Daniel caught him. Howl looked deep into Daniel's azure eyes and felt less lonely deep inside. He was glad he met Daniel.

"I'm glad I met you, Daniel," he said.

Then Daniel let Howl stand up, and Howl noticed that Daniel was trying not to cry. "Daniel, why are you crying?"

"No reezon," Daniel said with a big sad sigh like his heart was hurting. "I just lost a frend and Im rilly sad."

"Oh," Howl said. "That's 2 bad!" And then they got into the big elevator and went down into the SGC!!

When they got to the bottom, the elevator opened and Sam was waiting for them. Daniel smiled at her and hugged her and kissed her cheek. "Hi Sam!" He smiled big. "This is Sam. She's like a big sister 2 me. We'd be together, but she lykes Jack."

Sam elbowed him. "Daniel! No one's supposed to know about that!"

Daniel smiled. "But we can trust Fantastia and Krystale!"

Then Sam hugged Fantasia and Krystale and said Hi to Howl. "So Howl, you came from an alternative dimension, right? That's cool."

And as they walked, Howl told them all about Calcipher and how much he missed him. Daniel just listened, and he cried at the end.

"OMG that's too bad, Howl," said Sam. She wasn't crying though. "We totally feel sorry for you."

"Hi Everybody!" said Jack, walking in. He was wearing his combat uniform and that awesome baseball hat he has and he looked totally cool and it was really obvious that Sam liked him. "Gorsh, who're y'all?"

"Thes es Krystale, Sam's neece, and her frends, Fantasia and Howl," said Daniel. "They're hear for bring-a-relateve-to-work day."

"Today's bring a relative to work day? Gorsh." Jack took off his hat and scratched his head. "I didn't get the memo, I guess."

"Yah, nether did I," said Daniel. "Gess Genral Hammound forgot to sende it too us. But since I'm an orphan and I don't have any famly enyway, it wouldn't matter I gess."

"OMG!" Krystale said, and she held Daniel's hand. "I totally didn't know you're an orphan! That's sooooo sad!"

"So," said Sam. "What's up for today?"

"I believe that we are scheduled for a briefing concerning our upcoming mission, Major Carter," a deep voice intoned from behind them. Teal'c came in the door behind them, bowing his head in greeting. (OMG!! Cross that out! What r u doing?! That guy is like totally too serious!! And you totally spelled his name wrong! _But that's lyke totally his character!_ NO WAY! He's lyke a boring robot or sumthing! _Fyne! How would u do it??_)

"We're going _Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high…_", said Teal'k, bursting into song as he burst into the room. "_There's a place that I heard of, once on a lullaby." _

"Hey Teaelk!" said Daniel brightly. "Whut's up?

"_I see skies of blue and clouds of white, the bright blessed day, and the dark sacred night, and I think to myself, what a wonderful…"_

"That's great," said Sam, not really caring. "So we're going somewhere awesome today?"

"Gorsh," said Jack, watching her. "You shore are purty, Sam."

"Lyke OMG tru luv!" squealed Fantasia, but nobody noticed.

"No one's supposed to know," General Hammond told her softly.

"Oh!" Krystale squeeled. "We can so totlly keep secrets!!"

"Yeah!" Fantasia said. "We saved the world once!"

"Hey, WE'VE DONE THAT!" Daniel, Sam, Jack and Teelk all said at once.

And then everyone laughed, because they were all special worldsaver people, and that makes a deep bond that can lyke never be broken by the sands of time!!

Howl felt left out. "I've never really saved the world," he said sadly, his starry sapphire eyes welling up with tears.

"But u totally sved your werld once!" Daniel said quickly. Jack looked at him curiously. So did Sam and Fantasia and Krystale and Te'alc and General Hammond and Walter, who just happened to wander into the scene, so he said,"…I bet. Bcuz ur so…heroic luking."

"Well hey, that's true," Jack agreed. He smiled at Sam—the secret kind of smile that only people in love can do. But she didn't notice because she knew he liked her, but she never looked at him because they weren't allowed to get together becuz of work even though neither of them knew that all their friends totally 3 them and theyd be totally good with them getting together!

"Yeah! You look totally heroic!" said Fantasia. So Howl felt better, and he remembered how he'd stopped Madame Sulliman from destroying a bunch of stuff when he was still her apprentice. But then he started missing Calcifer again.

"Hay Major! I totally need you to come lyke, look at this thing. Cause it, um, broke, I think, and I totally don't know how to fix all the buttons and gears and stuff," said Walter, blowing a bubble.

"What thing?"

"The um, thing. The one that's all lyke, big, and kind of glowy, and round…it spins?"

"Um, yeah. And lyke, Syler broke his arm falling off it."

"Right." Sam sighed. "I'll go deal with that then."  
So Sam and Walter went off to fix the Stargate and Syler's arm. Teal'c decided that Howl needed to learn to be tough and manly, so they went off to train somewhere for a while. "_Everybody loves Kung-fu fighting, Hah!_" he sang as they left. And Daniel left to go look at old things, cause he's an archeologist and that's what they do. He wanted Krystale to come with him, but she wanted to talk to Jack about some important stuff first.

"So," Krystale turned to Jack as they left. "Ur like totally in love with aunt Sam!"

Fantasia nudged Krystale in a paniced sort of "omg that's a secret" sort of way, and Krystale nudged her back in a "I know what I'm doing" sort of way.

Jack was nervous to talk about it, because no one was supposed to know. But Sam trusted them, and they'd saved the werld that once, so they must be OK. "Um… She's pretty? Only you know, she's on my team thing, so we can't go out."

Fantasia felt really sorry for them, and so did Krystale. "Oooh! That a bummer! Because we can tell you totally love her!"

"I do?" Jack scratched his head again. "I didn't think it was really obvious."

"Um… well ur like, totally made for each other. And it'll totally work out." Krystale twisted her foot around because she knew that her aunt really liked Jack too but she'd promised not to tell anyone.

"Totally," Fantasia agreed, because everyone always gets together because otherwise what's the point of them meeting in the first place?

"Oh." Jack blushed. "Do you think I should talk to her?"

"OMG! TOTALLY!" they said together, because they knew that rules like no dating between team members didn't actually mean anything, and besides Jack and Sam totally 3 each other so rules don't count!! "You should ask her out on a date!"

Jack thought that was a good idea, and so he went off to find Sam and lyke ask her out to dinner at a park where they could have a romantic picnic and talk about life and stuff. …Or something.

Sam was in the gate room fixing the stargate, and Walter was standing there chewing his gum and handing her tools sometimes. He saw Jack coming and wandered away, becuz everyone really wanted Sam and Jack 2gether and tried to give them lots of chances to ask each other out.

"So, umm… Sam, umm… I was like, umm, like thinking and um… I thought that maybe… um… we could like, um… maybe… um… like…"

Sam looked at him with beautiful, alluring eyes. "Yes, Jack?"

"Maybe… um… We could… maybe, like... um… like…"

Suddenly the Stargate whirled to life and a bunch of bad guys came out, and they were all like Jaffa and stuff! And they had big shiney pointy weapons and all dressed like egyptians and one of them had a weird emblem on his head!

"Take the one called Daniel!" said the one with the weird emblem on his head.

"Daniel?" gasped Sam and Jack at the same time."

The one with the funny emblem noticed them. "That one looks like a Daniel!"

So all the Jaffa ran down the big ramp thing and grabbed Sam and started taking her away!

"Jack! Save me!" said Sam, reaching out her hand

"Sam! NOOOOOOOO!" said Jack, reaching towards her.

And time slowed down for a minute as they reached for each other, but since this is only the second chapter, they just missed each other and it was lyke totally sad!!

But then Jack lost sight of Sam because there were so many Jaffa so time sped up again because that's what happens when that happens. And Jack was all heartbroken and stuff.

And then the Jaffa left. And Jack sorta stood there in shock.

But then Tea'elk and Howl and Walter and Syler and General Hammond and Fantasia and Krystale and Daniel all came running in!

"OMG what happened?!" yelled General Hammond.

"A bunch of Egyptians took Aunt Sam!" said Krystale!

"Egyptians?" Walter looked confused.

"She maens jafa!" said Daniel. "Jafa tuk Sam!"

"Wait, how do you know?" asked General Hammond.

"Because we were spying on Jack and Aunt Sam cause Jack was gonna ask her out!" Krystale said.

They all would have broken out into "Awww," cause they're all totally good with them getting together, except now Sam was kidnapped by Jaffa, so they didn't.

"Oh, hey, I totally got footage of the whole thing on my pink Razor cell phone!" exclaimed Fantasia. "I bet we can figure out who the egyptians…. I mean, Jaffa were from that!"

"Like omg that's right!" Said Krystale!

"Grate! Lets put it on our relly big telivesion and I can totaley figere it out from taht!"

So they did and it was like all crystal clear and stuff cause her cell phone is just that awesome. But Howl didn't know what the television was but he figured it was a bad time to ask.

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**Authors' Notes:**

**Fantasia: **Lyke OMG it's chapter two!!1 I liek, totally can't believe we didn't post htis sooner, but we worked so hard on it, so i'ts definetely worth the weight!

**Daniel:** Weight in what? Coffee and cheap sugar?  
**Howl: **You should talk, Mr. Caffeine rush!

**Sam:** OMG, stop being so mean, guys!

**Jack:** Sam! You're not kidnapped!  
**Krystale: **Gah! Get back in the story! You're not supposed to be here! How did you even get in?!  
**Teal'c:** hums mission impossible theme song

**Fantasia:** OMG! they were totally in character for a sec! Put them back!!

**Krystale**: Look over there! It's the renegade baseball bat again!

**Fantasia:** Like OMG where?! turns around

**Krystale:** stuffs everyone back in the story Chapter three should be up soon!

**READ AND REVIEW 4EVAH!! **

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